‘WWE ROYAL RUMBLE 2021’ Recap + Thoughts – Two Rumbles, Last Man Standing, McIntyre vs. Goldberg

DATE: January 31, 2021
VENUE: The THUNDERDOME (Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, FL)
RAW COMMENTATORS: Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton, & Samoa Joe
SMACKDOWN COMMENTATORS: Michael Cole & Corey Graves

The road to WrestleMania begins with the Royal Rumble, held inside the THUNDERDOME at Tropicana Field. In addition to the two Rumble matches we’ve also got both major singles championships on the line as Roman Reigns defends the Universal Championship against Kevin Owens in a Last Man Standing Match and Drew McIntyre puts the WWE Championship on the line against…Goldberg. In 2021. Oh boy. Read on for my live blow-by-blow coverage of the show as it airs.

CHAMPIONS

• WWE UNIVERSAL CHAMPION: Roman Reigns
• WWE CHAMPION: Drew McIntyre
• WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION: Big E
• WWE UNITED STATES CHRECAMPION: Bobby Lashley
• RAW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: Asuka
• SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S CHAMPION: “The Boss” Sasha Banks
• RAW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: The Hurt Business (Cedric Alexander & Shelton Benjamin)
• SMACKDOWN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Dirty Dawgs (Dolph Ziggler & Robert Roode)
• WWE WOMEN’S TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Shayna Baszler & Nia Jax

LINEUP (MATCH OF THE NIGHT IN BOLD)

• Drew McIntyre [c] vs. Goldberg for the WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
• Sasha Banks [c] vs. Carmella for the SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP
• 2021 Women’s Royal Rumble
• LAST MAN STANDING: Roman Reigns [c] vs. Kevin Owens for the WWE UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP
• 2021 Men’s Royal Rumble

*****

Drew McIntyre [c] vs. Goldberg for the WWE CHAMPIONSHIP

Goldberg gets his full entrance here…and has also ditched his usual trunks for Lesnar-style MMA shorts. Looks like he’s going to a BBQ after. This one was sparked by McIntyre not taking Goldberg seriously during Legends’ Night, saying wrestling him would be like fighting his Dad. THE DISRESPECT THAT IS ALSO TRUE.

McIntyre drills Goldberg with a Glasgow kiss and a spear that sends him to the floor. Goldberg throws McIntyre into the steps and SPEARS him through the barricade. An angry McIntyre clutches his ribs and rolls in, the match officially starting now. McIntyre hits a charging Goldberg with a kick followed by the CLAYMORE for the 1…2…Goldberg kicks out. Goldberg dodges a second Claymore attempt and connects with not one but TWO Spears for the 1…2…McIntyre kicks out. JACKHAMMER for the 1…2…MCINTYRE KICKS OUT AND GOLDBERG CAN’T BELIEVE IT. McIntyre dodges Goldberg, sending him into the buckles, and hits the Claymore for the 1…2…3! Oh thank god.

Drew McIntyre [c] defeated Goldberg via pinfall to retain the WWE CHAMPIONSHIP (2:32)

• Did not go in expecting a long match and happy to not have gotten it. Quick, decisive, cut all the bullsh*t out and did its thing. I liked it more than I probably should’ve. Drew got that shine kicking out of the Jackhammer.

Goldberg shakes off the cobwebs and embraces McIntyre. Someone get Goldberg a bottle of water before he passes out.

—

“The Boss” Sasha Banks [c] vs. Carmella [w/ Reginald] for the SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP

Kayla Braxton interviews Banks before her entrance. Banks says it doesn’t matter what the odds are because when you’re the best you find a way, and will be drinking a wine made of Carmella’s tears. Okay Mason Verger.

Banks goes for the Banks Statement immediately, Carmella escapes and bails to the floor to get her bearings. Carmella floats over in the corner and grabs the hair, Banks connects with a springboard armdrag followed by a slap to the sternum. Reginald takes one for the team from Banks, allowing Carmella to attack her from behind, then uses Reginald a jumping off point for AIR MELLA. Back in the ring Carmella plays with the five-count and buries a series of elbows to the side of the head. Good stuff. UPSIDE DOWN FROM CARMELLA, SOMEONE’S BEEN WATCHING IMPACT WRESTLING. Carmella plays to the crowd that isn’t actually there, Banks goes for a slam but Carmella escapes and drives her to the canvas for a two-count. Carmella slaps on a rear-chinlock and continues talking trash. Banks pushes off a headscissors attempt and comes off the buckles with a meterora, clutching her left knee after impact. Carmella sends Banks into the ropes and TIES HER HAIR IN THE BOTTOM ROPE so she can stomp away. Haaaaa. Banks sends Carmella face-first into the buckles and connects with a slingshot double knees in the corner for the 1…2…not yet. Banks gets two Amigos, Carmella counters but eats a knee, then sends Banks flying right into the arms of Reginald. Banks drops Reginald with a headscissors followed by a Greco-Roman slap to the face. The ref throws Reginald out, Carmella surprises Banks with a splash through the ropes, LANDING AWKWARDLY AND PAINFULLY, but she’s okay so she covers for the 1…2…Banks kicks out. Carmella argues with the ref about Reginald, Banks sneaks in a series of nearfalls but Carmella won’t stay down. Banks finally gets the third Amigo in and heads to the top, Carmella counters the Frog Splash with a pair of knees and locks in the CONE OF SILENCE but can’t get the tap.

Banks connects with a knee from the apron and flies RIGHT INTO A SUPERKICK. Carmella quickly connects with a second superkick for the 1…2…Banks kicks out! Damn! Banks surprises Carmella with a Banks Statement and…TAPS OUT!

Sasha Banks [c] defeated Carmella via submission to retain the SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP (10:20)

• Well that ended abruptly. Damn good match though, Carmella has gotten SO MUCH BETTER in every conceivable way and I thought she came out looking better even with the loss. Banks was good too but this was Carmella’s match.

—

–Big E and Xavier Woods hype themselves up for tonight’s Rumble, saying all they need is 60 minutes to become WRESTLING GAAAAWDS. Sami Zayn interrupts with his crew, saying management will probably give them cushy spots in the Rumble. Zayn says he’s not worried because he has eyes in the back of the head…and gets spooked by the returning Kofi Kingston! Kingston isn’t medically-cleared but it doesn’t stop him from wearing the new sick gear and supporting his friends.

–Bad Bunny performs “Booker T” with Booker T standing in his GI Bro gear fromt he music video. Booker T concludes it with a “CAN YOU DIG IT SUCKA”. This is legitimately the only cool thing WWE has done in YEARS and they’re lucky this fell into their lap.

—

2021 WOMEN’S ROYAL RUMBLE

Bayley out first at #1, #2 is the returning Naomi. Hell yeah. Bayley talks trash, Naomi catches a kick and connects with a series of forearms and a hurricanrana. Naomi slides under a clothesline attempt and connects with a kick. Naomi hits the Rear View and goes for an elimination, Bayley blocks and drills her with a clothesline. Bayley apparently has “COLE” cut in the back of her hair as that weird feud continues. #3 is Bianca Belair, Bayley’s archnemesis and who eliminated 8 women in last year’s match. Bayley avoids elimination but doesn’t avoid a spinebuster or back handspring moonsault. Naomi tries for a piledriver, BELAIR CARTWHEELS AROUND THE RING and goes for the elimination. Naomi ends up on the apron, Bayley tosses Belair out both hang on as #4 brings Billie Kay and her stack of headshots. Kay decides to have a seat on commentary instead of getting in the ring, not wanting any of that. Belair gets tossed and ALMOST touches the floor but knocks Bayley away to save herself. Bayley tries a double crossbody but gets sidestepped and out comes #5 Shotzi Blackheart and her mini-tank! Kay leaves the commentary table and stops her mid-drive to try and team with her. Blackheart shoots the tank cannon towards her then enters the fray, Kay still avoiding getting in and returning to commentary. #6 is Shayna Baszler, now one-half of the WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions thanks to the pre-show win. Kay offers a headshot, Baszler punches her in the face, so I guess they’re not teaming up. Her loss. She and Belair share the elimination record (8). Blackheart and Bayley brawl, out comes #7 Toni Storm of NXT. Kay tries to team with her, still nothing. No one has any taste. Naomi drops Storm with a Rear View, Baszler catches a kick from Blackheart and tosses her out. SHOTZI BLACKHEART HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. #8 is JILLIAN HALL OF ALL PEOPLE and Kay is psyched! Kay offers a “Billie & Jillie” team-up and Hall loves it! They enter the ring and go on the attack, connecting with a double suplex on Naomi and trying for an elimination. No luck though. #9 is Ruby Riott of The Riott Squad and she’s a house of fire. Kay helps Riott, who superkicks Storm. Kay shows off her new friendship with Hall and try to help Riott eliminate some folk. #10 is the legendary VICTORIA. Hell yeah. Double clothesline to Billie & Jilly, backdrop to Bayley, spinning side slam to Riott. Naomi catches her with a dropkick and sends Victoria through the ropes so it doesn’t count. Victoria fights her way back in, connecting with a slingshot legdrop on Naomi.

#11 is Peyton Royce, the former IIconic! Royce drills Riott with a backfist and tosses her out but Riott hangs on. Royce and Kay team up and try to do the IIconics pose but Kay chickens out when Riott confronts her. Royce hits a sort-of Widow’s Peak on Bayley, Victoria shows her the REAL way to do it. #12 is Santana Garrett from NXT. Garrett shows some hops, connecting with a back handspring elbow in the corner on Riott. Belair continues hanging on, kicking away everyone trying to eliminate her. #13 is Liv Morgan of the Riott Squad, immediately helping Ruby escape punishment and drilling Bayley with a flatliner. Riott Squad with a superkick/crucifix bomb on Baszler. Hall picks Kay up and connects with a surprise Samoan drop, THE ALLIANCE IS DEAD. Morgan and Riott bring Hall to the apron, she fights Riott & Morgan off but Kay knocks her to the fall. JILLIAN HALL HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Kay tries to celebrate but gets tossed by the Riott Squad. BILLIE KAY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. #14 is Rhea Ripley and she goes right to work, tossing Storm right out. TONI STORM HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Out goes Victoria as well by Baszler so VICTORIA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Ripley sends Garrett to the apron and a series of kicks drops her to the floor. SANTANA GARRETT HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. #15 is Charlotte Flair sporting different gear from the Kickoff Show. Flair and Ripley come to blows immediately, Morgan eats a fallaway slam. Flair lights Ripley up with chops and a back suplex. Nip up, big boot to Naomi. Riott hangs onto Royce on the apron, Bayley slides under and powerbombs Riott to the floor! RUBY RIOTT HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. #16 is Dana Brooke, who I haven’t seen in awhile. Brooke immediately comes off the top with a double missile dropkick, then takes flight again with a somersault senton on a whole pile of ladies. Brooke whiffs it on a back handspring elbow as no one is there, but hits someone on the other side instead. Oops. Morgan tries to eliminate Bayley with a rana but Royce knocks her out so LIV MORGAN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. #17 is Torrie Wilson, WWE Hall of Famer. Neckbreaker to Naomi, clothesline to Belair, X-Factor to Bayley, suplex to Royce. Ripley gets sent tot he apron, Brooke grabs her in a hanging headscissors for some reason, Ripley picks her up and brings her to the apron, powerbombing her and sending her to the floor. DANA BROOKE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Ouch. #18 is …”The Nature” Boy Ric Flair? Just kidding it’s Lacey Evans, who is wearing one of Charlotte’s robes. Flair attacks Evans from behind after she enters the ring, going HAM on her. Flair follows her to the floor and continues attacking. Flair climbs the apron and ducks a kick from Royce, pulling her to the floor. PEYTON ROYCE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Baszler brings Wilson to the apron and connects with a knee to send her to the floor. TORRIE WILSON HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. #19 is the returning Mickie James. Bayley was apparently eliminated by Belair during James’ entrance so BAYLEY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Way to miss that idiots. Flair and James have themselves a little generational battle, James connecting with a hurricanrana. Flair blocks an elimination attempt and chokes James, out comes #20 Nikki Cross…who has new theme music? Cross channels her manic energy into a whole lot of corner splashes.

#21 is Alicia Fox!!! She runs to the ring…then suddenly 24/7 Champ R-Truth shows up as well but he’s got the wrong Rumble. Out come the 24/7 Title dorks to chase for the title. Fox HELPS Truth, Fox rolls him up for the 1…2…3 FOX IS THE NEW 24/7 CHAMP! #22 is Mandy Rose, who belts Fox with a hard forearm. Rose hits a pump knee and out goes Fox. ALICIA FOX HAS BEEN ELIMINATED and Truth rolls her up to regain his 24/7 Championship. Dorks chase Truth to the back, as does Fox who wants the gold back. #23 is Dakota Kai from NXT and she goes right after hated rival Rhea Ripley. Evans is in the Rumble match following that attack earlier. I feel like I’ve missed an elimination somewhere. James knees Evans, Evans hits her with a Woman’s Right and MICKIE JAMES HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Belair sends Naomi to the top and sweeps the legs, but she hangs on. #24 is Carmella, looking to get another opportunity at gold. Reginald is there to make sure she’s hydrated and ready to go. Meanwhile RIPLEY BOUNCES KAI OFF THE APRON AND SENDS HER OUT GODDAMN. DAKOTA KAI HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Ripley makes it a two-fer, tossing Rose out as well. MANDY ROSE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED and Ripley now has five eliminations tonight. Cross tries to eliminate Carmella immediately but Reginald makes the save and Carmella sends her to the floor. NIKKI CROSS HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. #25 is Tamina who superkicks Reginald to take him out and drop Carmella so CARMELLA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Cold-blooded. Ripley and Tamina throw bombs, Belair sends Naomi to the apron but ONCE AGAIn avoids elimination. Naomi gets sent to the floor but her feet never touched, Naomi USES BELAIR’S HAIR. Both ladies trade rights as their legs hold them up then help each other re-enter. That was cool. #26 is Lana who has been gone since last month’s PPV. Lana immediately goes after Ripley but Tamina attacks her to prevent that elimination. Naomi splashes Belair with the splits, Belair gets sent over the top but hangs on and scrambles back in. #27 is Alexa Bliss in all her Angelica Pickles glory. Bliss wrecks some fools then a BUNCH of ladies pounce on her. Arena goes a little haywire and Bliss TRANSFORMS or some sh*t into evil Bliss but Ripley tosses her out! LOL! ALEXA BLISS HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Eat sh*t. #28 is Ember Moon, making her main roster return for the Rumble, IMMEDIATE Eclipse to Baszler. #29 is Nia Jax, the other half of the new Women’s Tag Team Champions. She and Baszler (not eliminated) charge the ring and go to work, LACEY EVANS AND EMBER MOON GET ELIMINATED. Baszler and Jax go after Naomi next, tossing her out with a double throw so NAOMI HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Tamina looks like she’ll be safe but Jax attacks her and Baszler joins in, leading to TAMINA GETTING ELIMINATED. Jax and Baszler attack one another, Ripley and Flair join in, Jax then tosses Baszler out! SHAYNA BASZLER HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Jax “apologizes”, Lana jumps on Jax’s back, looking for revenge for all the table spots over the year. Jax chases Lana around and back into the ring. Lana slaps Jax, Jax charges and Lana ducks down and she falls to the floor. NIA JAX HAS BEEN ELIMINATED.

#30 is Natalya and now it’s time for the MATCH BEYOND. Jax and Baszler attack her during her entrance then roll back into the ring to attack all of the remaining competitors. Jax throws Natalya into the ring and it looks like we have five remaining: Ripley, Natalya, Flair, Lana, & Belair. Natalya teases being friendly to Lana then tosses her out. LANA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Oh well. Natalya drills Ripley with a German suplex and dodges a corner splash. She puts Ripley on the apron and knocks her out but she hangs on, Belair then attacks Natalya from behind and NATALYA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Three remain. Ripley and Belair double team Flair, Flair fights them off and hits an overhead throw on Belair. Flair points to the WrestleMania sign and belts Ripley with forearms. Flair charges at Ripley, Ripley backdrops her to the apron. Flair boots Ripley away, Belair connects with a rolling kick then she and Ripley team up to knock her to the floor. CHARLOTTE FLAIR HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. 

Belair and Ripley are the final two. Belair and Ripley knock each other to the apron and almost touch, then stare one another down as they sit. They slowly slide back in a show of sportsmanship then go NUTS on each other. Belair sends Ripley to the apron, Ripley slides under the legs and tosses her to the apron. Belair and Ripley meet in the middle and drill each other with stereo faceslams. Hot damn. Belair escapes Rip Tide, Ripley lands on feet during KOD attempt, Belair ducks a clothesline and hits one of her own and out goes Ripley. RHEA RIPLEY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED.

Bianca Belair won the 2021 Women’s Rumble, last eliminating Rhea Ripley (58:49)

• The 24/7 stuff was kinda lame but outside of that this was a pretty damn good Rumble with a great final few minutes between Belair and Ripley. Right woman here too, Bianca Belair is the goddamn future of the women’s division. HELL YEAH.

Kayla Braxton interviews Belair immediately following. Belair cries, thanking her family and vows to put the EST in WrestleMania. F*CK YEAH.

—

–The Miz and John Morrison offer to merge brands with The Miz and John Morrison. Bunny says “no thanks, I’m fine” which Miz & Morrison don’t take well. They say they’re in the prime of their career while Booker T is merely clinging to relevancy. Booker T appears behind them and asks if Miz really said that. Morrison runs off, Miz stands there awkwardly, he and Bunny wish Miz luck at the Rumble.

-Kickoff panel of Charly Caruso, JBL, Peter Rosenberg, and WWE OFFICIAL Sonya Deville discuss what has happened so far. R-Truth shows up, Rosenberg distracts him and hits a low-blow, covering for the 1…2…3. ROSENBERG IS THE NEW 24/7 CHAMP!

—

LAST MAN STANDING
Roman Reigns [c] [w/ Paul Heyman] vs. Kevin Owens for the WWE UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Reigns and Owens start throwing bombs right away, Reigns hits a Superman Punch but is up at 4 so this one isn’t ending early. Owens catches Reigns with a knee and connects with a Pop-Up Powerbomb; Reigns gets up at 4 and falls to the floor to get some distance. Owens charges, Reigns picks him up but Owens escapes and sends him into the LED post; Reigns responds by driving Owens into the ring steps and connecting with a spear. Reigns uses the steps, ramming Owens repeatedly as they make their way stage-side. Owens catches Reigns with a superkick, down he goes. Owens rams Reigns into the LED fan boards and uses the steps on the Head of the Table to send him onto an equipment table (the same ones Owens was put through weeks ago). Owens climbs the platform wanting to put Reigns through it, but Reigns gets to his feet and blinds him with a thumb. They fight onto the platform, Reigns punishes Owens with chairshots but the ref is afraid of heights so he’s not up there to count or anything. Oh hey the ref’s here now in time to make the count after a superkick from Owens. Owens goes after the legs with the chair, Reigns fights him off and cracks the steel across the spine. Reigns connects with a Superman Punch and throws Owens OFF THE PLATFORM AND THROUGH THE EQUIPMENT TABLES. Owens refuses to stay down, getting to his feet right at the count of 9, much to the shock of the Tribal Chief.

Owens stumbles to the backstage/baseball stadium area, where there’s a training ring erected…AND REIGNS F*CKING RUNS OWENS OVER WITH A GOLF CART. Owens gets up at 9, Reigns pummels him with rights and throws him back to the ground. Reigns monologues about Owens’ grandpa, Owens drives him to the ground and rains down rights. Owens tosses Reigns into equipment cases, POP-UP POWERBOMB ON SOME SORT OF TABLE THING followed by a frog splash that puts him through the table proper. Oh I think that’s an announce table, glad they have extra. Reigns gets up at 9, Owens tosses him into a ladder he either set up when I wasn’t looking or was set up for funzies. Owens raises a forklift, CLIMBS ONTO THE BED, MOTHERF*CKING SENTON THROUGH REIGNS AND THE TABLE. Reigns beats the count at 9, then falls back down but it counts. A bleeding Reigns tries to crawl away, they fight through the gorilla position back towards the ring. Why bother, no one’s in the arena. Reigns beats the count again on the entrance stage and connects with a Superman Punch followed by a spear through the entrance LED board! Owens almost gets beat but rolls off the stage to make it to his feet in the nick of time. HA.

Owens tries to get his bearings, hanging onto a light fixture, in walks Reigns with a pair of handcuffs. They exchange rights, Reigns winning that shootout. He goes to cuff him, Owens connects with a Stunner and beats on Reigns  the handcuffs. Owens cuffs Reigns to the light fixture and he’s trapped. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…Reigns throws the ref and stops the count! HA! Owens attacks Reigns, Reigns connects with a low-blow. Heyman runs over and starts uncuffing Reigns, a new ref making a count…but stopping because they legit can’t get the cuffs off. FINALLY he gets them off, Reigns chokes Owens out with a Guillotine and gets the win.

Roman Reigns [c] defeated Kevin Owens to retain the WWE UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP (24:52)

• Immensely entertaining pile of nonsense, Owens took some CRAZY bumps in this and they beat the hell out of each other. The finish getting kinda botched with the handcuffs was a little lame and took the air out of the end, plus Reigns winning with a Guillotine after ALL THAT felt a little lackluster. Damn good up until then though.

—

2021 MEN’S ROYAL RUMBLE

#1 is Edge and #2 is Randy Orton, as first reported the night before on WWE Backstage. Samoa Joe joins Cole & Graves on commentary, the perfect mix between the brands. Edge attacks Orton right on the stage during Orton’s entrance, bell rings when they finally get in. Orton immediately rolls out, Edge stalks him and throws him into the barricade, ring steps, and announce table. #3 is Sami Zayn, complaining about his number as expected. Zayn immediately clips Edge’s knee and works with Orton to beat him up. #4 is Mustafa Ali of Retribution, who joins in on attacking Edge. They pick Edge up and drag him to the ropes to eliminate him, but #5 is Jeff Hardy and he’s a good dude so he takes it to the heels. Double Whisper in the Wind to Zayn and Ali, Orton stops him with an RKO. Zayn brags about it, Orton drops him with an RKO as well, Ali suffers the same fate, Edge drops Orton with a Spear. Orton rolls to the floor, Edge follows him again. Edge blocks an RKO and connects with an Impaler DDT on the announce table but it does NOT break and that looked painful as sh*t. #6 is Dolph Ziggler, 1/2 of the SD Tag Team Champs. This is his 14th Rumble, which is insane. Edge beats on Orton with a chair, out come officials to separate the two for some reason. Who cares. LET THEM FIGHT. Orton is apparently busted open, Ziggler tosses Hardy to the floor. JEFF HARDY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED and Edge re-enters the match but gets dropped with a Zig Zag. Ziggler, Zayn, & Ali try to toss Edge out but he hangs on. #7 is Shinsuke Nakamura and HE HAS DITCHED THE BODY SUIT AND IN HIS OLD GEAR YESSSS. Kinshasa to Ziggler, Zayn attacks him from behind. Refs try to assist Orton to the back as the action in the ring continues, Ziggler avoiding elimination. #8 is Carlito making his surprising WWE return. He is in SHAPE too. Backstabber to Nakamura, Ali attacks him from behind. Carlito tosses Zayn over, Zayn hangs on. Officials still take their time bringing Orton to the back, now they’re near the stage. #9 is Xavier Woods of The New Day, who goes right after Ali (who took Kofi’s spot in the Rumble due to injury). Zayn attacks him from behind and lays in some crossface shots, Edge tries to eliminate Nakamura but it doesn’t work out. #10 is Big E of…The New Day? Kinda. Anyway he goes right after Zayn, taking Ali out with a urinage when he tries to interfere. Woods hits Zayn with the Honor Roll, Woods LIFTS E UP and drops him for a splash on Sami. MEATY MAN. New Day hit the Big Ending/flying DDT combo and toss him out. SAMI ZAYN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED.

#11 is John Morrison, going right after old buddy Edge. Woods drills Ali with a flying DDT and tosses him out but Ali hangs on, Ziggler tosses him out as well. Woods and Ali fight on the apron, Ali kicks him off of E and he falls to the canvas. XAVIER WOODS HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Big E immediately goozles Ali and throws him out. MUSTAFA ALI HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. #12 is Ricochet, who laughs at Ali on his way in. Ricochet shows off his quickness, Edge tosses him to the apron but Ricochet flips back in and connects with a dropkick. Morrison drops Ricochet with a clothesline and goes to work. Brawling and punching and kicking and you know the drill. #13 is Elias. Cooool. Drift Away to Morrison, hard shots to Carlito who’s still here. Carlito connects with a dropkick and handsprings up, Elias hits him with a knee and out he goes. Oh okay. CARLITO HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. That is the opposite of cool. #14 is Damian Priest from NXT. Laaaame. Everybody gets a piece, including Elias who gets tossed out. ELIAS HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Inset video shows Orton being checked on by the medical staff. He has not been eliminated yet, UGH. Don’t do this, WWE. #15 is The Miz, who destroys Bad Bunny’s DJ setup with his Money in the Bank briefcase before entering the match. Skull Crushing Finale to Big E, he and Morrison work together and spike Ricochet with a double DDT. Bad Bunny comes out and tries to enter the match to get revenge for his turntables, Priest knocks a distracted Miz & Morrison out. THE MIZ & JOHN MORRISON HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED. Bunny adds insult to injury with a TOP ROPE SPLASH ON MIZ & MORRISON. LIVING. HIS. BEST. LIFE. #16 is Riddle and goes strike for strike with Nakamura which is pretty kickass. #17 is Daniel Bryan, YES PLEASE AND THANK YOU. Corner dropkicks for Nakamura and Priest, kick for kick with Ricochet, Ricochet flips over Bryan and connects with a German suplex. Riddle avoid elimination, Edge almost gets eliminated by Priest but he hangs on. #18 is Kane because of course he is. This is also his 18th Royal Rumble appearance so it all works together. Chokeslam to Edge, double chokeslam to Nakamura and Riddle. Choke throw to Ziggler and DOLPH ZIGGLER HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Ricochet to the apron, Kane bounces him off the side of the ring and to the floor and now RICOCHET HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Bryan wants to HUG IT OUT with Kane and TEAM HELL NO REUNITE…for a second until Kane drills him with a chokeslam. Priest steps to Kane, connecting with a series of strikes and tossing him out to the floor! KANE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Good for him. #19 is King Corbin ughhhh. SHINSUKE NAKAMURA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED courtesy of the King so now I hate him more. #20 is Otis making his first Rumble appearance. Discus Lariat to Corbin, scoop slam to Big E, overhead throw to Priest. ALL IN THE HIPS. T-Bone suplex to Riddle, CATERPILLAR to Priest. Otis wants to splash, Corbin shoves him out so OTIS IS NOW ELIMINATED. Poor fella. Bryan goes after Corbin to avenge his fallen Alpha Academy brother. 

#21 is Dominik Mysterio who goes right for Corbin…and gets planted with a spinebuster. LOL. Corbin goes to eliminate Dominik, who takes him out instead with a headscissors! KING CORBIN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Bryan and Riddle get a spotlight fight, Priest joins in and pulls Riddle off so he can get some. #22 is Bobby Lashley of The Hurt Business who goes right at Riddle, then tosses Dominik out like nothing. DOMINIK MYSTERIO IS GONE, BABY. Priest tries his luck and gets clotheslined out so DAMIAN PRIEST IS ALSO ELIMINATED. Big E and Lashley battle to a stalemate, both the secondary champs of their brands. Riddle joins in to get more of Lashley. #23 is…The Hurricane who tries to double chokeslam Lashley and Big E but it doesn’t work and he gets thrown out. GOODBYE THE HURRICANE. #24 is Christian?!? WAIT WHAT?!? Lashley gets triple teamed and Christian helps and OUT GOES BOBBY LASHLEY. Unprettier to Big E! Bryan attacks, Christian connects with a back elbow. Edge and Christian hug and reunite, Riddle tries to get a five second pose but gets attacked instead. #25 is “The Phenomenal” AJ Styles [w/ Omos]. Styles takes out his former Coalition leader Christian with a Pele Kick, Edge ducks a Phenomenal Forearm and connects with a Spear! #26 is Rey Mysterio, former Rumble winner and wearing a Victoria Beer-inspired mask for CORPORATE SYNERGY. Omos saves Styles from being eliminated, money well spent. OMOS PULLS BIG E OVER THE TOP AND ONTO THE FLOOR WITHOUT NEEDING TO LEAVE THE FLOOR. BIG E HAS BEEN ELIMINATED…and then tossed over the announce table by Omos. Goddamn. #27 is Sheamus, 10 Beats of the Bowery to Riddle and Edge, then enters the ring proper with a flying double clothesline FELLA. Brogue Kicks to Christian and Bryan. Omos catches a 619 attempt, Styles tosses him to the apron, then Omos pulls Mysterio and throws him into the barricade. REY MYSTERIO HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Omos kicks ass. #28 is Cesaro, what a f*cking number. European uppercuts to everybody, mini-Bar reunion before he gives Sheamus the SWING and a slingshot almost to the floor. CESARO SWING TO BRYAN. #29 is Seth Freakin’ Rollins who eats a European uppercut immediately from Cesaro. He and Rollins trade shots.

#30 is Braun Strowman, who made his return on SmackDown. Omos saves Styles once again, Strowman goes on an elimination spree with CESARO, SHEAMUS, AND AJ STYLES ALL GOING OUT. Strowman threw Styles out on a different side so Omos couldn’t intervene. Bryan hits Edge with a Busaiku Knee but can’t eliminate him, Bryan ducks a clothesline and dropkicks Christian. Corner dropkick to Strowman. Bryan and Riddle do some MMA sh*t, Bryan almost eliminated but stays on the apron. Missile Dropkick to Riddle. Rollins runs in and attacks Bryan, hitting a Curb Stomp and tossing him out. DANIEL BRYAN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED f*ck this match. Riddle and Rollins fight on apron, a Curb Stomp sends him to the floor. RIDDLE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Christian, Strowman, Edge, & Rollins (AND ORTON) remain. Rollins tries to team with Strowman, Strowman throws him to the mat. E&C attack, Strowman bowls through both of them, brings Edge to apron. Edge tries to pull Strowman, Strowman picks Edge up but Christian comes from behind and Rollins helps, CHRISTIAN AND BRAUN STROWMAN HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED. Rollins goes for a Curb Stomp, Edge dodges and SETH ROLLINS HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. Orton runs in and attacks but Edge tosses him out and RANDY ORTON HAS BEEN ELIMINATED.

Edge won the 2021 Men’s Royal Rumble last eliminating Randy Orton (58:30)

• I was terrified Randy Orton was going to win so honestly Edge winning makes it better by proxy. HOWEVER he was very down the list of people I wanted to see get the win so I can’t gather the excitement needed to give a sh*t. Should’ve been Daniel Bryan, or Big E. This wasn’t as good as the women’s Rumble but still had its moments. But…Edge? Really? Huh. They gonna pretend Drew McIntyre doesn’t respect legends again or something?

*****